Smiles

I've been giving tuition at HIS connection at Xinghua Primary School since the start of April. (HIS stands for Home-In-School, started by my church) And i can say its rather bad! It's been a long long time since i give tuition! Oh man...kids who are older are harder to control than the younger ones! (Completely opposite of what i thought.) I'm currently teaching P1 math and P4 Science. Sometimes it gets rather stressful, esp. when their test is round the corner. It feels like their future is in your hands and you gotta give your all, your best to make sure they do well. Ok, now i know how my teachers feel...

Well, sometimes i gotta agree that the kids can be rather inspiring too. Their child-like characters and how they don't hide and express themselves whenever they are happy, sad, jealous or angry. Their shy smiles always make my day and it feels like my heart is melting away. Their mischevious-ness would suddenly be erased away and i'll be completely nice to them. I guess God feels the same too. He can be mad at us for the disappointments and let downs we gave or the disobedient actions and thoughts and yet still love and forgive us because of the fact that we are His creation.

Nevertheless, i will still continue to try my best to have the kids under my control!!! hahaha! :P

Alright, its almost 3am in the morning and i'm still awake! Doesn't sound good...gotta wake up at 830am to catch my flight to taiwan at 12pm...so good night bye! :)

Conscience...

How incredible it is when God reveals us to ourselves through little things in life that usually go unnoticed by most. I was finding some songs in my windows media player library and came across this album called In God We Kill. In it was 2 songs which i'm totally foreign to. In a fit of anger i pressed the delete button, without bothering to ask my sisters if they were theirs. I stood still in front of my computer for a moment. Did this happen because of the love i have for God? Is it because of the fact that i dislike people playing around with His names? Yes...

How often do we stand up for Him, whenever people around try to mock His name or give Him nicknames. Every time? Sometimes? Never? Looking at some of the people around me, i know that there are still people who call themselves christian but never take pride in His name. I really wonder why can't they feel His presence...So near yet so far.

Some says its harder to be a christian than a free thinker, its easier to do wrong than to do good. I would say, ultimately its your conscience. Daily news on television and the papers is mostly on the bad things people do and therefore their consequences. Many a times i wonder how is it possible for these people to do such things when God gave each of us a conscience?! I can't help but say that satan can be so powerful that he blind the people so that they will walk towards the wrong destination and the people? Only to realise their mistake after each wrongdoing. Metaphorically, the blindfold that satan places on each of us is super duper big and thick. The only way to be in the light is God. God is like the torch with unlimited battery and volt power, able to shine through everything, even the satan's blindfold. Many a times we choose to close our eyes, such that we do not see the light. God gives us the power to decide whether or not to open our eyes and follow His light, or to do trial and error or follow our instincts that usually fail. Sad to say, many out there remain clueless till today. They have yet to learn the art of opening their eyes.

Faith. Trust. Love. Hope.

People may argue that sometimes even without opening their eyes, they manage to get away from doing bad or being in a bad shape. I would say, its God's grace. Inevitably, we could take God's grace for granted. We know how to give thanks, appreciate and cherish. But sometimes it may become so routined that the whole prayer slip from our heart to our mind. Say giving thanks for our food. At the end of the day, its the condition of our heart that matters.

His Promises worth holding on

Thoughts running through my head. Things in the past flashed across my mind.

There is an endless song, echoes in my soul, I hear the music ring. And though the storms may come, I am holding on, To the rock I cling. I will lift my eyes, In the darkest night, For I know my Savior lives. And I will walk with You, Knowing You'll see me through, And sing the songs You give.

I could live life alone, And never fill the longings of my heart. The healing warmth of someone's arms. And I could live without dreams, And never know the thrill of what could be With every star so far and out of reach I could live without many things. And I could carry on, but...
I couldn't face my life tomorrow Without Your hope in my heart. I know I can't live a day without You Lord, there's no night and there's no morning. Without Your loving arms to hold me You're the heartbeat of all I do. I can't live a day without You.

Oh Lord You've searched me,You know my way; Even when I fail You,I know You love me.Your holy presence Surrounding me In every season. You go before me, You shield my way, Your hand upholds me. You tore the veil, You made a way. And when the earth fades, Falls from my eyes, And You stand before me, I know You love me.

At the cross I bow my knee, Where Your blood was shed for me, There's no greater love than this. You have overcome the grave, Your glory fills the highest place, What can separate me now?

How can I keep from singing Your praise? How can I ever say enough? How amazing is Your love? How can I keep from shouting Your name?

My chains are gone! I've been set free!! My God, my Savior has ransomed me! And like a flood His mercy reigns! Unending love, Amazing grace.

I know I am loved by the King. And it makes my heart want to sing.

The Lord has promised good to me. His word my hope secures! He will my shield and portion be, As long as life endures!

-Adapted from How Can i Keep from Singing?, Amazing Grace(My Chains are Gone) (Chris Tomlin), Can't Live a Day (Avalon), At the Cross (Hillsong).

Enlightenment

Sometimes i hate myself for doubting. Though i know the "correct answers", i seems to be doing another, or trying to find excuses and 1001 reasons to justify my thoughts. Yup, enlightened. Me keep asking questions like what's next, what's real, what's now...indeed a sign of doubt, not trust. I didn't realise that my faith was literally decreasing whenever i ask these questions.

Faith is believing that something will happen before that something really happen.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

-Heb 11:1

Sunday service, though nothing very special happen except that Rev Derek Hong from Church of Our Saviour came, was impacting. I remember myself in tears like running waters. Why? The story goes like this:

I was feeling rather empty for the past 2 weeks, probably cause of the sudden "drop" from daily feeding to daily slacking. I was spiritually dry-er and dry-er each day. I know i had to keep up with the momentum from Tung Ling. But since i wasn't really working, my days grew slacker and slacker. I keep thinking that i will have a lot of time with God so i started doing things like watching korean dramas and meeting up with my friends. Ok, and thats a dip. I fall into the trap. Whenever these activities end, i'll be so tired and restless. My time with God grew lesser and lesser... God didn't give me up. He prompted me and i felt His nudge again. Last week, i spend more time with God, praying and worshipping, asking God for more of His anointing and presence. For more of His presence?? Isn't His presence always with us, in us, all around us? Yeap...it was till last sunday that i got reminded of how silly i was. God had and has and will always be with me, His very presence. I was waiting for the extraordinary experience, the moment for Him to tell me yeap i'm here with you. I was looking through a telescope to find him where He's actually right beside me. He spoke to me, assured me, reminded me, forgave me, help me up, renewed me, refreshed me, restored me during the usual worship during the sunday service last week. :)

Ok, and i realise i need to read through my TL notes again...can't really remember some. Haha. Someone told me uni is starting in 2.5 months time. I couldn't believe it! That's really fast!!! : Mixed feelings...

Well, before i face the "reality", i shall go enjoy myself at TAIWAN for a week! Yes, i'm leaving for taiwan this thurs! Oh man, i can't wait! Finally i get to go for a vacation with my family! MY FAMILY! I remembered the last time travelling with my family was when i'm primary 5...yeap...that long ago. Haha...shall see the different side of the world and come back with stories to tell! :)

Today went Mind Cafe with my TL friends. Supposed to celebrate gab and rach's bday...but end up to be a get-together. Haha. In any case, it was really fun! There's so many many games there!!! Captivating! :D Though the food there aren't really impressive to me (yes i remember the brownie kinda taste more like a choco cake to me), I really enjoy my time there. It so not going to be my last time! Haha! Alright, gotta slp...nite! :)

What's real?

Just read rong's blog; talking about how we can think yet lack the ability to initiate change or do something with that thought so that it'll not go "unwasted". (Ok rong i agree never to post after reading other people's entries...haha! :P)

It kind of reflects me though. How i can have many many ideas and good thoughts in doing things for God, for others and sadly, they usually don't come to pass at all. :( I remember asking rong and asking God, "Why must i be someone who think and think yet do nothing about most of them." Well, i guess i really got to sit down and pen down stuffs that i really really wanna do and have that discipline to follow them. :S

A dog can show off to a cat by showing off its loud bark and sharp teeth. Yet when it meets with a tiger, the dog immediately turns timid and run away.
Two sides?
A teacher teaching his students not to lie and keep their promises. Yet when it comes to meeting his family or friends, he do otherwise.
Hypocrite?

I was just sms-ing one of my really great friend, saying how sometimes we know it but we don't do it EVERY TIME. Hmmm...that's why we are called sinners?
We know the law, the correct values, the rights and wrongs, the good and bad. But why are there still crimes? You mean crooks don't know what's conscience? You mean they're born evil? Who dare say they never lie before, or did something bad to someone, or have an evil thought esp. when they are angry.
I believe we're often blindfolded. Kept from the light, tempted by the evil. Strayed from the truth and heed for the dark Thinking that it'll be good to at least find a place to reside, hoping that one day we'll find an identity for ourselves. But i can boldly proclaim that thats a hope that will never come true. A hope not worth holding on.
What's real is the love, the belonging, the fact that we do not have to worry about tomorrow, next week, 10 years later-our future. A Father's love, The Father's Song.

The Father's Song (Matt Redman)
I have heard so many songs
Listened to a thousand tongues
But there is one
That sounds above them all
The Father's song
The Father's love
You sung it over me and for eternity
It's written on my heart

CHORUS:
Heaven's perfect melody
The Creator's symphony
You are singing over me
The Father's song
Heaven's perfect mystery
The king of love has sent for me
And now you're singing over me
The Father's song

(Ok, i shall try not to read other people's blog before i post my entry. Haha! :) )

What's next?

Take me away to a faraway land.

I'll gladly elope with you,

to wherever you want and wish to go.

Whatever it is, take me,

for all i want is to be with you.

To a place where there's no one else,

a place where i can spend times with you and you alone.

Why can't there be just one kind of fruit?

Why must there be many different kinds,

With various taste and colour?

Why do they all attract different kinds of people?

Weird or unique?

There's no key to understanding one's heart.

Not to men, but God alone.

What's processing now,

5 mins ago,

yesterday,

last year,

a decade ago?

A guess with no answers.

It's a choice, really.

To believe that he will come and fetch me.

To elope with me and keep me from others.

It's your decision,

to think and evaluate only at the brighter region.

So, what's next?

Who Am I-Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours I am Yours

Picture!

Yeah, finally! I know how to put photos in my post! Haha...all thanks to yurong! :P

Pictures of me with some of my tung ling classmates...aww...miss them. :(

Am i up to IT?

Will i be able to take IT up and do IT well?

Will i fall and collapse where everything will come crushing over me

All the fingers will point at me.

All the eyes will stare and glare in my direction.

My heart will sink and i will ask,

"Why did i take IT when i'm unsure of IT's outcome?"

Challenge yes but what's going to happen next?

Will i be able to pick IT up from here?

Strength, passion, Wisdom.

My "friends" seems to have left me

Not for good, i know, but where are you guys when i needed all of you most?

I can't be a hero, i don't want to be.

I can't seem to hold on anymore.

My hands are slipping, perspiring and i can't grab the pole well enough so that i can hang in there.

A hand from above came, held on to me, TIGHTLY.

Gave me a chair below so that i can stand and not struggle.

Even if the chair isn't steady, i know i won't have to worry i'll fall.

For the hand that is holding on to mine is stronger than any other.

All i need to do is to let go, learn to let go.

Trust and let go.

As though a free fall, believe-that's the key.

But, the lock must face the key, so that the key may be able to fit into the lock hole

And turn IT, secure IT, save IT

The word help-is both worth rejoicing and worrying about -When help is given, or help is needed.

Where are you at this point in time?

Are you the one providing help or receiving help?

Are you the one needing help or the people around asking for help?

Or are you sitting at one corner and pray that everything will be still?

Face IT, get IT, dare to do IT, love IT, once again....

Testify to love

Tung ling has come to an end. Yeap. Many asked if I'm much more "spiritual" than before. The answer that came to my mind is, "not really.", surprisely eh? Most people have the impression that TL is a place where you become more spiritual that after 3 months, your prayers become more powerful. Indeed there's no doubt that spiritually i've grown a lot. However i believe the one thing that changed me is where i've really had a life-changing encounter with the living God, which happens to be the theme/motto of TL. God showed me how messy my life was and still is. He made me realise the impossibilities of clearing up these messes without Him. Though till today i've yet to "tidy" myself up completely, i do believe in no time God will remove these impurities from me. TL had been a place where i learn to be humble, truthful and obedience. It's a place where i learn to put knowledge into practices. Being a Christian myself for years, i know that there are many truths and "correct ways" that i didn't follow. I didn't put what is right into practice, though i know certain things i do displease God. TL reminded me of the word OBEDIENCE. Easy to say, hard to deal with, difficult to follow.

Lecturers who left their footprints in our lives have indeed bring about a great impact. Inevitably, some lecturers have different views as us on certain topics. However, despite the differences, God still used them to give us His words in His own ways. Whether or not we share the same views as the lecturers, whether or not we agree with them regarding the things they said, God never fails to use them to impart His rema word to us DAILY. That's the power of God. I remember one of the last modules we had was on Cats and Dogs Theology. It teaches about how Christians can be self-centered or God-centered. However deep inside my heart i feel that the lecturer was too exaggerated with his claims and findings. They may exist but to me it's rare. thus for the 2 days, i completely didn't feel like listening to his teachings. But, amazingly, God spoke to me through this phrase that he kept emphasising on,"Above all, glorify God in ALL things." He was saying how we must be a dog christian where our life must be God-centered and followed by that phrase. Something that i knew eversince don't know how many years ago. It was no coincident...this phrase reminded me of the fact that i did not fulfill it in ALL things in my life. Without this phrase that was highly emphasised in his lectures, i wouldn't have come to realise the fact that didn't obey Him completely. Isn't it amazing how God is so evident in our lives? Through things we loathe, people we can't accept and situations that are unbearable, God never fails to teach us. What great mercy and love. Indeed, unending love, amazing grace.

To the lecturers who have taught me His words and impacted me in one way or another: Thank you for your faithfulness, passion to impart and interest in God's heart. Indeed I am so blessed to receive and be fed. Your lives, experiences, testimonies have motivated me to persevere on even as i continue to carry the cross in my life. Your obedience in taking the step of faith to obey God's calling to your lives to teach. The sacrifices you've made and the road of sufferings marked the very promise of God. I will say that these hardships you guys went through will not go to waste...rather they have turned into motivation and truth that i can hold on to, especially during the times of difficulties. :)

To the Dean, Ju: Your love and passion to serve impressed me. Wonderful and mighty woman of God. You sacrificed your time for me, took care of me spiritually and emotionally, prayed for me and talked to me when i needed help. No doubt you are the candle with strong yet gentle fire. You lit up my candle, every time my flame ceased, you will come by immediately to relit my flame. Your continuous support and unfailing love to me really protrays God's love and care. My role-model, my support, my adivisor/teacher, my friend, thank you. :)

To my cell, Jabok: Lynn, my buddy, thank you for never failing to point out my mistakes so that i can change for the better. Thank you for encouraging me and giving me more confidence in myself. You've made me realise the fact that there're many different perspectives to each issues in life so that i won't be blinded or "biased" where misunderstandings can surface. The companionship you've provided, the patience you've displayed and the inputs in my life...i'll never forget. Indeed you are one person whom i'm comfortable with to share my problems, happiness. You put up with my lame jokes and sudden emotional/sensitive times. I promise that even as you're going to UK to study, i'll be praying for you and i'll continue to share with you. My wish is that we'll be a great buddy/support to each other, that we'll grow together till as long as God allows. :) Jolene, your cheerfulness makes my day. How you're constantly excited and interested in every lessons spurs me on to be interested as well. You never fail to say the right word at the right time, do the right thing at the right time. Indeed i've learnt many things from you. Thank you so so much. :) Yurong, yes, i'm the first to talk to you in TL. Haha. Though i confess i didn't have a good impression of you intially, as days pass, i realise how alike we can be at times...our clumsiness, emo-iness and the values in life we have. Your passion to serve in your church, to lead the whole worship and bring them to greater heights and your interest in knowing God more taught me a lot. Your bubbly-ness and easy-going character make me feel really comfortable being around with you. I enjoyed the times we bake, talk, cry, pray, sleep, get cranky together and the craziest things men would ever think of. Haha. Really want to thank you for making life in TL much more interesting. :) Eunice, my twinnies! It's really amazing how we can be similar at times, really freaks me out sometimes. Haha. Nevertheless i enjoy your company. Your bubbly character and the times where we go crazy together...really enjoy it. Weird things we do together and stupid things we laugh and talk about. Haha...thank you for making life in TL more worthwhile. :) Lynette, wonderful girl who plays the bass so fantastically! Your gentleness and ability to know when to take a step back taught me a lot. Thank you so so much! :) Bernice, you're so open and frank! You never hide things from us, your openess and friendliness impressed me greatly. Indeed i would say its a gift from God to you. I enjoy the times where we laugh together, shop and watch movie. Haha. Thank you so much for leaving your prints in my life. :) Rachel, i love your voice! Haha...i can remember taking super candid and "bright" photos of you and you taking me. Haha. One smart girl that i know. Thank you for entertaining me when i'm so bored, enduring the nonsense i have during class time. Haha. My schizophrenic partner! Thanks! :) Charity, i really got to know you more during the mission trip where we bunk together. You're always so interested in God's words and ways in people life. Your goal to strike a balance in everything you do reminded me of the times where i can go almost "one-sided". Someone whom i'm with for 2 years, so near yet so far, we didn't know each other till TL. Indeed i believe its God's very plan for us to know each other! :) Salome, yeah we share the same interest in Math! Your love for people around you, always trying to make sure no one is life out, giving your love to the people around you, as much as you can. The sacrifices you made taught me to be less self-centered. The care you gave and every single effort in making everyone happy impacted me. Thanks! cya at NTU if possible! :) Joan, your dariness to be yourself. Your passion to run after goals in your life. Your never ending endurance and perseverance...thank you for being yourself, you've indeed taught me a lot, in being the true me. Thanks! :) Above all, thanks to everyone who imapcted me in one way or another, the support and encouragement you gave, the companionship and love. :)

To Nicolas: Thank you for covering me during worship practice. Despite my lousiness with the keyboard, you never fail to encourage and affirm me. You taught me patiently and didn't complain about my lousiness. Your deep knowledge if the bible spurs me on too, to know Him better. I enjoy the talks we had, even as we shared about our lives, i can see God in your life, how you always put God first and you hold on tightly to His words where you overcame many obstacles in the past. Thank you! :)

To Benji: Thanks for always laughing at me ah... Haha. I really enjoy talking to you...your replies are always so unexpected. Your jokes, which i didn't understand most of them, are rather entertaining. I will never forget the way you cycle and make fun of people! Haha...indeed a joy to my heart. Thank you! :)

To JJ: I really see your passion in worship and your seriousness when it comes to Christianity. I can see that you are really super on fire for God. Indeed you have taught me to keep focus on God and to be consecrated for Him at all times. Never forgetting your lame comments and jokes...always so sudden yet predictable. Haha. You "became like us" so that we can communicate. You came out of your comfort zone to interact, learn and impart. Even as you're going for SOL, i pray that God will reveal Himself to you and increase your capability so that you can have a greater capacity for a larger territory God has in stored for you. :)

To weiye: I'm so so impressed and proud of your faithfulness and obedience in making an important decision to be a missionary for God in China! God will indeed honour you and provide for you! Even at such a young age, i pray that many lives will be saved through you and that you'll never be led astray for His grace is upon you! :)

To leroy: Thanks for your companionship when going home. You taught me a lot with regards to being patient in everything and in anything, give thanks and me contented. Thank you. Indeed you're another person who reflected the passion to serve and lead. I pray that God will continue to give you strength and wisdom! :)

To josephine: Testify to love! :) ;)

Many many more...gabriel, rajwin, uncle chris, caroline, stephanie, weber, cherilyn, uncle victor....too many to mention...to rest of the class: Thanks for being yourselves, being so caring and affectionate in everything you do. Your faithfulness and love for God. Thanks for all the fun too! :)

Last but not least, to the Almighty God: Thank you for

honouring my obedience in going TL,

the people you have placed in my life,

the lessons taught even through little little things,

the love you showered upon me,

not giving me up,

pulling me up when i fall,

carry me when i'm tired,

find me when i'm lost,

forgive me even when i let you down,

embracing me when i'm down,

giving me the peace when i'm scared,

hug me when i feel alone...

Thank you. :)

My chains are gone

I've been set free

My God my saviour has ransomed me

And like a flood

His mercy reigns

Unending love, Amazing grace