Operation in progress...

It has been a week of fun, laughter and jokes. I spent most of my time with my friends, those of whom i haven't been seeing for a super long time. Every night was a late night for me. I reached home, on average, at 12. It was cool, of course...spending time with friends, catching up, talking and laughing together. However in the midst of these joy, or rather after every "dates", i didn't feel happy or satisfied. I didn't had that feeling of-"Yea! Its a good time spent!" I ended my days with tiredness and no smile. I didn't know why...i thought it was because i'm physically tired. Even for the lessons in TLBC the whole week, i didn't pay much attention. (oops..) Something's blocking my mind. There seems to be obstacles in my life thats preventing me from moving on. Even for the worship on friday night during cell zonal meeting, i couldn't see out the lyrics:

Forever God is faithful

Forever God is strong

Forever God is with us

Forever

Though i'm having loads of fun out there, it seems like there's an emptiness in me. Some "hole in my heart" that all these joy cannot fill. If i'm not wrong, this is one of the weeks i spent for the past few years which i laughed the most. Immediately, i could sense a "dryness" in my life. I know i'm steering away...i couldn't find a goal in my life. I couldn't see the need of reading the bible. I couldn't see where i was going. It's as though i've lost my way in the forest, every time when there's a turn, i'll be glad. But after that i'll be like sad again as there isn't light nor paths that i could follow. I'm straying away...

Suddenly i feel as though i'm not fit to be a leader in church. I couldn't bring myself to teach my sec 1 girls. I feel as though there's nothing i can impart. My life is in a mess! The things that i taught them and the things that i advise my friends about, i'm completely not doing it! I was so down...though in my heart i'm praying that God will help me to get my life straight, i know i'm not making an effort myself. Quiet time everyday lasted only 5 mins. Spiritually i know i'm dry...the flame in me ceased. The thing is that in my heart, my desire is to know more about God, to read His word so that i can teach and impart and to be more like Him, yet i'm not doing them.

On sunday, which is today, i slept till 1145am! I missed both services in church. I was sad, disappointed and feeling uneasy as for the past how many years, i've never missed a single service unless i got something important on. Thus for the next half an hour, my mind was filled with all the why-s...i was thinking, "I need a change! I need to go to church! I need God to renew me and refresh me! I need the anointing again! But God, why didn't you allow me? I didn't sleep very late last night! Why WHy WHY!" :'(

After my mom left house for church, a prompting came over me. It feels as though God wants to tell me something but i can't hear it. Then i went to eat my cereals and watched tv for a while as i was waiting for my friend to collect his stuffs. Right after, i went to the piano, thinking that it has been a long time since i played it, i played the song . As i sing along, i started tearing...it was the Holy Spirit. It was the very visitation of God's presence in my life once again. For the past week, i've been lacking this embrace from God, this covering, the very shadow of God's wings. I realised His reasons for not letting me to go for church services. He knew that if i have gone for it, i would stayed out the whole day with my friends. He wanted me to meet Him. He wanted that time alone with Him. He has been waiting at the mountian for me...i have been letting Him down. I started praying and crying...i felt helpless...i felt like there's no meaning to life. But God came, He gave me a chance, a way, a light. Despite my disobedience, my unfaithfulness, my unloving actions to Him, He picked me up. And the very reason is simply because He loves me. He didn't want me to be led astray, He didn't want me to leave Him. After reflecting, i realised how God has been nudging me to go back to Him yet i disobeyed and procrastinated. He sent people and dreams and experiences to me but i ignored. I was completely oblivious to His calling, His presence, His love.

Though i had a great time feeling refreshed and renewed, knowing that God brought me back, i can start afresh,in my heart i know that this is not all. I've yet to go back to God immediately. It wasn't a once off thing...i know i need to do my part as well, to set aside time for Him DAILY. I need to be fed spiritually, I need Him so that i can continue on with life. I need His directions, instructions, presence. It really brought me to learn something new. True enough God is so divine and great that NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM. However there are times where God will help you up but not pull you along. He wants me to walk by myself, to run after Him. He wants me to love Him as well, not just Him loving me. Definitely He'll provide me with strength, He wants my best. I believe thats the part of living our life to the fullest. Not just finding for opportunites to evangelise, but time with Him for i know ultimately its the heart that matters. It's not only how many souls you save, how many As you get, how popular and famous you are on earth that God sees. It's also the heart, the attitude that we have towards the things He wants us to do.

I thank god for forgiving me, for not letting me go, for pulling me up, for providing a way. Indeed I can sing of His faithfulness now and forever. This incident taught me a great lesson. It's something that i really considered a turning point that i would never want to forget. The feeling of it is like a child lost in a shopping mall. Though there are many interesting toy shops to see, the child is still alone. He's just purely wandering around with no one beside, no one to lead him. I pray that I won't be that child anymore. I don't want to get lost. I want to stay by His side forever...and ever. I thank you oh God, my saviour, my friend. :)